A Happy Candace

My heart is so full these days. So full. I used to have daily fearful thoughts that have now been replaced with happy "I really love my life" butterflies. I can't hardly believe that just a few weeks ago I was in such a dark place. Letting it all out felt so good. Crying a good hard ugly cry felt so good. It made me realize how important my feelings are. How important I am, which is something I tend to forget most days as I work really hard to put every one else's needs before mine. But this morning as I sip on my coffee I'm typing these words from such good place.

My husband and I have been married for four years this coming October. The past four years have easily been the hardest most amazing years of my life. In four years we have had 2 children, moved 5 times, survived a deployment, and survived flight school. Transition. That is probably our least favorite word. Our life since marriage has been in constant transition as we try to balance civilian life and Army National Guard Pilot life. It isn't always easy and it separates us more than keeps us together but we are slowly finding a balance.

I'm so happy to say that we are finally settling down. We are making a home in Billings and we are really happy about that. We are just an hour away from the mountains (my happy place) but thriving in the "big city". We are surrounded by family which is really great, especially for the girls who get to spend a lot of time with their grandparents, and uncles. Also some of my favorite friends in the world are here and I'm loving being close to them again and i'm excited to form new friendships here as well. And me? I'm getting out there. I recently took a job as the Director of Older  Children's Ministry at my church and I will be teaching Sunday school to two different age groups. I'm really excited for this new adventure. Excited to have something out side of mom life for a few hours a week and on Sunday's, and I'm very excited to keep growing spiritually. The girls and I are also starting MOPS this September and I am going to enroll Harper in Kinder Musik and a Tiny Tumblers class at the YMCA and we will drag Finley along with us. There are so many exciting things on the horizon for us, and so many neat opportunities in the city of Billings.

On the home front we are still living in our little apartment for now but we are starting to talk about houses. We know when our lease is up we will either be buying a house or renting one and we are excited about that. We are ready for a yard and a space where we feel excited to invite family and friends over. We are also pretty sure that, that yard needs to include a puppy.

 So yeah I guess we are in a good place. I'm in a good place. A happy place. I am feeling so much freedom since I have let go of a lot of dark feelings and that is what has brought me happiness. I'm following my own path these days and it is very fulfilling. Funny how that works. I couldn't always see it but I do now. I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing. It is good for me to live in this mindset, in this positivity. It is good for my family, and my friends too. I no longer think that the only way to love myself is if others do. It is quite opposite. My confidence is growing more with each day. My life is so abundant. I'm lucky. I hope to continue to stay in this place, and I truly think I will. I'm embracing my happiness from within and it is amazing how beautiful life becomes when you do so.

Happy Friday.

Life With Two

It is early and I'm up feeding Finley just pondering life as usual. I'm not exactly sure what I anticipated my life would be like at 28 but I can tell you it is better than anything I could have ever dreamed up. Ever since Finley entered our lives I have slowed down and really soaked up every moment. She has really changed things up. These last 2 weeks since she arrived have been exhausting. There have been breast feeding frustrations followed by triumphs. There have been tears as I question my ability to divide my attention between my two daughters. But tears and frustrations are out done by love. I mean extreme my heart just might burst love. We are thriving. And my fears of not giving Harper enough attention lessen every day because honestly she is doing wonderful. She continues to be sassy, happy, and an awesome big sister just as I thought she would be.

I really love this parenting gig. Life is so much sweeter as one. Some times it is hard because you have to give certain things up and settle for the isolation that comes with it but its worth it. With Harper I was nervous...a lot. I wanted to protect her and I constantly worried. She was my first baby and I just wanted to do everything right. Now that Finley has come a long I can honestly say I am more relaxed. I'm enjoying my children more and worrying a lot less.

Even in the challenging moments (Harper is almost 2 after all) I find joy. I delight in them. I cherish the days whether they are beautiful or not. I just keep experiencing all these intense emotions. It is just crazy. Life with two. I welcome the chaos because it is my chaos. Or I should say our chaos. My husband and I... it is our crazy beautiful life with our two daughters. Our two daughters... I still cannot believe it. I love being a mom and now I get to be one to two children. Double the cuddles and the hugs and the kisses. Double the ordinary moments that become extraordinary in my children's eyes. Double the cheers and double the excitement as I watch them accomplish tasks. Double the fun.

Harper and Finley I cannot thank you enough for all that you do for me. You have allowed me to embrace the world. To let go. You have taught me that I do not have to be perfect and you love me just as I am. I strive to be the best mother I can be to you both. I want to be someone you guys can look up to. I thank you for continuing to teach me patience. I thank you for giving me strength.

Life with two is awesome.

Being a Mom is awesome.

I'm in heaven.

I Like Fall, Falls My Favorite

"Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall", -- F. Scott Fitzgerald.

This morning is the first morning you can actually feel it here. It is cold and the air is crisp. The future forecast no longer shows 80's and 90's. In fact the mountains out here are preparing for their first snow fall. I can't even believe it. Glacier National Park is expected to get 2-4 inches of snow, above 6000 ft of course, but that is early. Lets not forget I lived in Alabama for the past year and a half. When that happens you forget what snow feels like. However just like fall, I'm strangely excited for winter. I'm not a summer or spring girl. These next few months are my favorite. Today I'm going to wear a sweater, leggings, and I might even throw on my awful Uggs that I just can't seem to quit. Welcome fall. I'm so happy you are here.

PS- Can we talk about how beautiful the view is out my back door? A farmer has land behind us that will not be sold to be developed. So we will always have these views. We feel like we live in town yet in the country. He also has horses which Harper and I love to watch. We Love our home.

Montana Update

We have officially been here a little over a month and I feel like I have lived here a year. It has been that busy. It is chaos--but wonderful chaos. We are loving every minute. There are new pillows and throws on the couch, magnet's and pictures all over the fridge, shoes at the door--all things that make a place feel like home.

We are currently loving our little apartment minus our sometimes noisy neighbors and already are making a ton of new memories. Harper has learned to pull herself up and crawl on her knees here. We began eating dinners at the table. We were guilty of couch eating here. So we decided to gather around the table for supper minus the phones and the TV. It is my favorite part of the day other than my morning coffee.

So I guess what I'm typing here is life is good. Real good. We have had a few big fights during transition because it is stressful and change is hard. But we have grown so much during this time and I wouldn't trade anything for the world. We are home. I am blessed. I love my family. I love my life.

Mother's Day Bliss

We tried to take family pictures yesterday and failed miserably. But I love the pictures even more for that reason. My first Mother's Day was special. I had a wonderful day. I woke up to breakfast and mimosas, went to Target, received beautiful pictures from Harper and my husband, went out for cupcakes, and ended the day together at the dinner table. It was AWESOME. With each year I only think it will be sweeter. I'm incredibly blessed and digging this whole mama thing. Who knows maybe down the road we'll add another to clan? The thought of two however kind of scares me. Haha.

So it is Monday and I'm coming down off the Mother's Day high and it is back to work I go. My first Mother's day was perfect...I mean who wants to go back to reality after that? Sigh. So thankful as always for the man that gave me Harper and for Harper who made me mom.

Happy Monday!

Months Later

First of all I cannot believe that February is coming to an end already. I say this ALL of the time but really life is moving so fast. However over the past few months I have learned to slow down even if things are moving faster than I'd like.

Ever since I sought help for my post partum depression and my anxiety I have been in a better place. I'm no longer afraid. I no longer hurt. I do not feel numb like I used to. In fact I feel everything. My head and my thoughts aren't constantly in a fog. Getting help was the best thing I could have done for myself. It has not only made me a better wife, mother, and friend--it has made me a better person.

I no longer feel discouraged. I don't feel limited. I do not feel like I can't achieve things or that certain things aren't within my reach because they are. I may not be able to travel the world like I want to right now but that doesn't mean I won't one day do it. I may not be able to finish my degree right now but believe me when I want to go back and finish it I will, and I will finally go back and do it for the right reason--for me.

I am no longer defined by anyone or anything. I am just me. Everything else in my life is an added bonus. I am happy. I know how to make and keep myself happy. It is the best discovery I have ever made. I'm so much better at everything because I now know how important me being happy really is.

I don't mean any of this in a negative way but you really can't depend on anyone else for your happiness. You need to be able to make yourself happy and you'll be amazed at how much that opens up your life when you do. It is beautiful.

Everyday Joy

Life doesn't always look like I want it to. I spend a lot of time day dreaming of what I think it should be like. The big house I think I should be in. The dream job I should have. The traveling of the world I should be doing. The closet I want to have...  These are just all things I would prefer to have in my life right now but in reality having all of those things wouldn't make my life any better. None of these things could make me change the way I feel about myself. The way I feel about my life.

I started doing it again today. The freaking out about the future thing. It took a mini break down and a few tears to get me out of it. To stop that uneasy feeling. Enjoying the present can be a hard thing to do. It is something that takes practice. It took my daughter giggling at me as she squeezed my nose and pulled my hair to make me realize that what I have doesn't make me appreciate what is in front of me. It is more so about taking in what is around me daily at any given time.

It is enjoying those little things. Harper's laughter, my favorite song playing on the radio, the sound of rain as it falls... It is focusing on the simplest of things that helps you through your days. It is also in trust that I find peace. Trusting god. Trusting the world around me. Every day there is good in my life and the proof that life is happening just as it should be is right in front of me.

Happiness isn't about what you have. It is about what is right in front of you. Open your eyes and look for it and I promise you'll see that you have just what you need.

Coming Undone

This morning Harper fell asleep after her morning feeding and instead of showering and getting ready I lost track of time reading blogs. When 9 am rolled along I hadn't even begun to get ready and I needed to be somewhere at 10. Quickly I threw some loose curls in my hair and put on some leggings, a sweater, and some Uggs and out the door I went. I didn't even care. This always blows my mind because I used to care so much. From about my sophomore year of high school and all through college you wouldn't dare catch me undone. I always did my hair, and had a full face of makeup. I was also dressed up and dressed up like everyone else nonetheless. It wasn't just in the way I looked. It was the way I acted and behaved too. I didn't even know who I was. I was so busy trying to be just like every one else I know. It was ridiculous.

 But something happened when I hit about 25. I stopped caring so much. I realized beauty wasn't in what I wore or how I looked. Beauty was inside of me. Over these last few years I have become comfortable with an undone version of myself. One that barely wears any make up. One who doesn't wash her hair ever day. One who wears whatever she wants. Over the last few years I have decided it is better to not blend in. I no longer take the safe route. Who cares if people think the sweater I'm wearing is cray cray, right?

Coming undone this way has allowed me to become a better person in all areas. A person who is confidant in her feelings and her beliefs. A person who doesn't always follow the masses. I saw a quote from Steve Jobs the other day that sums up how I feel perfectly.

"Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma-which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."

What is so bad about being different anyways? You only live once and why live a mediocre life when you could live an amazing one?

Seaside, Florida

Yesterday one of my dear friends turned the big 27 and together my other friend Liz and I planned her a special day. One of the best parts of living where we do in Alabama is how close we are to the beach. Liz is in love with a little town called Seaside in Florida and after spending the day there yesterday it has my heart too. 

We began the day with mimosas from the Modica Market. Mama happy hour started early. I was in heaven. This store was the best. Goodies stacked from floor to ceiling. Picnic baskets you can buy and fill and take on the beach for a picnic. Which I will definitely be doing with the husband before we move home. Picnics are our favorite.

I loved that you could just walk around with your drink in hand. Everything in Seaside is within walking distance and it was a great day to wander the streets, browse the shops, and see everything it had to offer. The street was lined with food trucks. You could get anything from gourmet grilled cheese to organic juices. It was all just too cute.

There were tons of yummy restaurants all with exceptional views of the ocean.

It was colorful, happy, and clean everywhere we went.

The sand was soft, white, and felt great between my toes.

The weather was phenomenal. 

My swordfish from Bud & Alley's was exceptional.

My company was the BEST.

The beach was quiet and much calmer than the other beaches in Florida I have visited.

You guys I was in heaven. Harper met the ocean yesterday and I'm pretty sure she was in heaven too.

Everything about this place was amazing. I mean just look at these homes!

We ended our day with coffee for the trip home. The Amavida coffee shop was all natural, organic, and used recycled materials. My type of place.

Harper was digging the vibe it had too.

Alabama has blessed me in ways I didn't see at first. Now as our time is ending here in a few months I'm realizing the biggest blessing has been these two. I have two forever friends that I'm so thankful for every day. Days like this with them are my favorite. 

If you ever get the chance to visit Seaside, Florida I would highly recommended it. I promise you'll fall in love too. 

Perfect Moments

It just happened.
It was simple really.
A beautiful fall afternoon.
Stove popped popcorn.
Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale in hand.
Cuddled up in fuzzy blankets on the couch.
A movie playing in the background.
Harper giggling away on my husbands lap.

All of these things elements of a perfect moment.

Do you ever stop and reflect on moments like this? I took a minute to today. If you really think about it life is full of them. Every day is full of them. There are a lot more of these moments than the bad moments. What a beautiful gift we have been given.

Hope your weekend has been full of perfect moments.