You Can't Stop The Waves, But You Can Learn To Surf

Babies are different. We find ourselves most days making comparisons to our two daughters as though they are the same baby. Some things in them are similar but for the most part they are different. Harper was such a calm, patient baby, and her sister Finley is not. She is 0-60 and when she isn't happy she lets everyone know. Tonight as she was having her bedtime bottle she was throwing one of her fits. A fit she throws because she'll be fine and the next thing you know she is hangry, like she hasn't eaten for days. She will get herself worked up so much that it becomes a task to get her to eat. Well tonight nothing would work. She was freaking out so the only thing I could think of was nursing her. This is big because I have only been pumping. And you know what? It worked. She nursed, and she became full, all from me. Even better she calmed down and I felt relieved.

The emotions I experience as a mother are unreal on a daily basis. In the above incident I went from experiencing fear--thinking truly there was something wrong with her, to empowered--marveling in the amazing things my body can do, like nourish and calm my child. But after experiencing all of that I'm exhausted. In fact most days I'm exhausted. The anxiety I feel on a daily basis is awful. I hate it. I wasn't this way until I had children and now it is like my heart is just out there floating around outside of my body. I'm so much more vulnerable.

As I held Finley tonight and got her through her fit I realized I'm affecting her, and not just her but Harper too. They are incredible human beings and can pick up on my feelings so much easier than I can theirs. What I can tell you is this, I'm anxious and being an anxious person is hard. I get caught up in what-ifs and the future. Some days it takes every thing that I have to calm myself down and just stay in the moment and it needs to stop. I realized that tonight. I'm hurting myself and my family and as of tonight I'm making it my new mission to stay in the moment. I need to savor these times and stop looking forward so much. I need to find balance between preparing for what is next with childhood and parenting and soaking in what I have right now, in this very moment. 

Mindfulness. My new favorite word. Living in the now, not the future, or the past.

I wrote this post over a week ago. Since then I have found peace. I have let go of my anxiety quite a bit and I have been practicing mindfulness. I don't feel as though I'm living in autopilot these days. For the longest time I thought man I am so boring,  and our days are almost all the same. I didn't even realize I wasn't fully present. Some how I stumbled upon the quote "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf". I'm becoming less of a witness to our days and becoming more of an engager. There are going to be days where my thoughts and my feelings come at me in waves. But instead of being swept up in them I am going to choose to ride the wave. I mean that is life isn't it? Rising and falling like waves in the ocean, waves that are big and small. My emotions are always going to be present. My goal is never to stop the waves, like I said they are always going to be there. But now I have mindfulness and being mindful is allowing me to surf.

I'm Ok, You're Ok...

I had a huge breakdown yesterday. Maybe it is because I'm pregnant. Or maybe it is because I had been cooped up in a hotel room with our toddler for two days straight. Or maybe just maybe it is because I suffer from low self esteem. Who knows. All I know is I called my Mom and cried and cried and cried. Thank goodness for moms. As we talked I realized this happens to me a lot. My insecurities pop out and I hit these lows and I honestly cannot tell you why. Some times it happens for a day and some times it is a few. I hate it. I believe it is something I choose though. I do it to myself. It is all about attitude and it is just as easy to have a good one as it is a bad one. 

You see there is nothing wrong with me. Or with my life. In fact I know I have it really good. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, a beautiful ornery toddler, and another baby girl on the way. My heart and my home is full. I just think that when life became about people other than just me I forgot how to take care of myself. I spend so much of my days making sure my family is taken care of and by the end of the night I'm too tired to do anything for myself. I think this is common of mothers in general. 

I don't know when it was recently that I decided that I wasn't good enough at what I do. At night when my husband comes home I cry to him because I feel as though I'm not doing enough for our toddler she has recently become impatient with me and started throwing temper tantrums. I place it all on myself because I am her mother and I am home with her all day. In all reality I am doing a good job she is just a toddler and a lot of her behavior is a stage she is going through.

The more I consume myself with the sometimes overwhelming life of being a parent the less I am able to separate myself from it. You see I'm not just Candace, Harper's mother. I am also my own person not to be defined by just one particular thing. My self worth can not come from Harper or my husband. They are only parts of me. 

It is so important to me that my children see a happy mother. One that takes time for herself yet ends the day with them and leaves them knowing they are okay too. I want them to feel good about themselves just as I do. I want to be a peaceful person--a peaceful parent. 

I made a list last night. A list of things I love about myself. Great for the self esteem if you ever need a pick me up. I then read my list and brainstormed how I can make time for the things I value and enjoy in my every day life and be a wife and mother. Guess what? I can. 

Today I start living my life from an I'm Ok, You're ok perspective. I will continue to work at and be happy and confident with myself and comfortable with the rest of the world. I will spend more time embracing the happy parts of my life instead of letting the things that hurt me consume me. It is going to be a work in progress but I know that once I can grasp this my relationships will be better, my parenting will be stronger, and my children will be happy and successful. 

I'm working on my inner peace and embracing my life in a more soulful way. It will take patience but I have made the choice. It is all in my attitude and I chose for mine to be a good one.