I have mentioned this plenty of times on my blog but I'm all emotions. All feelings. For some people that can be a lot to handle. Yesterday was an awful no good day. I don't know what set me off. Could be hormones. Could be the fact that I have been living in a hotel with our toddler for a month. Or it could just be that I just needed to process some things. I cried so hard. So hard it hurt. I walked around with puffy eyes and a headache because I cried so much. I was short with Harper and I took things out on my husband. The sad part being that what I was feeling wasn't their fault and they most certainly didn't deserve it.
After having a heart to heart with my best friends and later on my husband I feel at peace. I let it all out. My fears, which currently include going into labor early down in Alabama ( I want to make it back to Montana to have the baby), how our lives are going to change after she gets here, how my life is going to change, how my body is going to look, and how I'm afraid I'm going to disappear after I have another child. I give so much to Harper how can I possibly do it for two? How can I possibly continue to take time to nourish and grow myself when I will have two children and a home to run? As Finley's due date gets closer I keep having these oh sh%t we are having another kid moments.
But we aren't the first to have another kid and Finley most certainly won't be our last. We will do it. Its going to hard in the beginning just as it was with Harper but we will grow together. We will learn to find balance again in all of this including taking time for ourselves and for one another.
As for my body, I have been given the ability to birth children. It is amazing. The fact that I can do it down to the stretch marks that come with it makes me feel amazing. I'm about to birth my SECOND child. That alone is bad ass. So I'm not going to live in fear of the fact that my body won't be the same. Look at what it is capable of. Diet and exercise will become a priority I'm certain but only after letting my body recover and take in lots and lots of baby cuddles. I know it will never be the same but it will still be beautiful.
All these thoughts have been stemming from my isolation down here at Fort Rucker. My husband is gone most the day for training which has given me too much time to think. I could talk to Harper about my feelings but she is only 20 months old so she doesn't quite understand. Yesterday made me realize I'm not present. I'm dwelling in the future and a worries that may or may not happen. I'm not embracing what is in front of me. Although it is quite mundane and we do the same the just about every day we are okay. We are happy. Some times we don't leave the room but we are still growing, reading, and learning. Other days we do make it out and marvel in the outdoors.
So I'm done with it. I'm done with my negative thoughts. Harper is happy. My husband is happy. I'm happy. My heart is full. It is time to be done with the other crap. Time to kick those negative thoughts out of my mind and replace them with positive thoughts. The mind is a powerful thing and I can control it or let it control me.
Today I focus only on the important things. The things that make my heart feel full. I'm going to celebrate the good stuff which is usually made up of millions little things and moments. I'm not going to let my anxieties ruin me any more.
I'm the boss.
