Something I have realized lately is how selfish I am. That sounds a lot worse than it really is but I'm just being honest. Often times I get caught up in my own little world. Failing to appreciate what is all around me and in front of me. I play the blame game. Blaming everyone else and everything for my problems without stopping to think that maybe the problem is indeed me.
I look to far ahead into the future. Longing for more, bigger, better, often failing to realize the best is in front of me. I get happy and excited for my family and friends adventures only to then later feel sorry for myself because maybe I want some of those things too.
There are so many what ifs that go through my head on a constant basis. What if we did this, what if we had that...But honestly what I have is what I've got. Just because things aren't happening the way we want right now doesn't mean that they won't down the road.
I have realized lately that i'm a tiny bit dramatic. Like really. It amazes me sometimes. But I also make no apologies for that. I'm a feeler. That means I feel everything, take everything personally, and cry. Cry at stupid things, cry at happy things, and cry when i'm sad. I find it to be one of my best traits.
Yesterday we met with a relator. It was such an overwhelming process. Buying a home is a big deal. Our first home. Obviously this brings up a lot of feelings. Especially when you aren't sure exactly what you want. I came home and I cried and we fought. And then we made up. But still why was I making such a big deal out of this? It was just one of those things. I guess I just needed to vent. In the end my husband just started laughing at me. I don't blame him. I was acting like we bought a house that day. Which indeed we did not. Sometimes I need to come down from my high horse.
Today I'm learning to focus on what is in front of me. But because I'm human I know I will still have a lot of the above moments. However when those moments come I'm going to remember what is front of me. A loving husband. A beautiful child. A roof over our head. Healthy food on our table. In our future there will be plenty of moments. Big ones, little ones, but those are in the future. I'm going to take it one day at a time. I'm going to avoid going to that "place". No longer will I miss what is in front of me for it is so so good.
This is what is weighing on my heart today. Scrambled thoughts. But I'm just keeping it real.
