Lost.

I feel lost. Lost in it all. Those words have come out of my mouth more, and more since I started having children. I used to hate it. I placed such a negative connotation on the word lost.  It took a few too many heart to hearts with some of my closest girlfriends, and a few wise words from a woman, who I do not know on instagram to really put things in to perspective for me. Jessica Pilton (@jess_fiveinthetribe) said the following:
People always say, 'don't lose yourself to motherhood', or 'don't lose your identity to being a mother.' I know these people mean well, I know in essence what they are trying to say but here's my inquiry. Why not throw yourself into this God given role? Why not, give every part of yourself for this short period of time? I was talking to a mother who has teenage and young adult children the other day and she said something so profound. She told me she found herself in motherhood. Found her calling, her purpose and her life's work. She didn't build her identity on motherhood yet it grew her, making her flourish into all that she is now. That's something I'm seeing as the years roll by, that I'm not at all "losing myself to motherhood" but finding myself there. And it's such a blessed place.
I have tried not to be "lost". I have tried every once in awhile to have a wild night out with my girlfriends to appear as if I've still got it, that I'm hip & I'm cool, when in reality I will have a hangover for 3 days if I stay out past ten. I've thought to myself, you have got to get a job Candace. You aren't living, if you are at home being "just a mom". Then there are the days I want to appear to live this life full of adventures but if I'm being honest our adventures don't happen far from our home. I'd like to say I'm pretty independent, taking time for myself, but in reality I just need a hour or two to myself to wander target and Barnes & Noble with a strong coffee and I'm ready to be back at home, with my people. 

I am lost in motherhood and it really is such a blessed place. Because of motherhood I have learned so much about myself. I have learned what it is to be selfless. Motherhood has taught me the meaning of grace. Because of motherhood I found strength & courage. I fought through post partum depression, not once, but twice. Becoming a mother made me want to fight, I wanted to fight through depression for them, which in return was the best thing for ME. Motherhood has made me more compassionate. I feel my children's emotions just as deeply as they do. Motherhood has made me free, & childlike. I feel so much joy, every day. Motherhood has brought out my creative side. I write more, I take more pictures, something that I lost prior to becoming a mom. So if this is being lost I'll take it.
Motherhood is my inspiration. It is real, and it is raw. It is me discovering myself. It is Harper, and Finley loving me every day, failures, & shortcomings included. Because of that I have learned to love myself. So I'm no longer going to say to people when they ask me what I do, "I am just a mom". I will say with pleasure, I am a mother. It is motherhood that has indeed shaped me, and continues to do so. It took having two beautiful babies for me to realize the things that are beautiful and make me, me. 
From today forward I vow to continue to get lost in motherhood, and embrace it, just as my daughters fully embrace me. I vow to stop listening to the world that tells me I am not enough, or that I should aspire to be more. I have it so good. So so good. I am Candace, lost in motherhood, and it is a place I'm lucky to be.