In Reality (A Post In Which I Say a Few Dirty Words)

I'm writing here today, to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I almost ruined everything. I'm sorry I almost didn't see it. We have every thing we could ever need and because of my unrealistic expectations and my lack of patience I was missing it.
Expectations can be a bitch. Plain and simple. It is expectations that tell us we need a degree, or we need that job, or we need to have the perfect marriage. It is expectations that can sit on us, & weight us down. Expectations can become us and we might not even notice it happening. 
My expectations looked a lot like this. I was going to graduate, go to college, get that dream job, meet my prince charming, we'd buy a beautiful craftsman together, and have two children. Probably a boy and a girl because thats what is deemed the perfect family. We would be living the dream, you know the entire white picket fence thing.
Reality however looked a hell of a lot different. There was college and a degree I never finished. There was no dream job, but there were many random ones. Ones I never regret because I learned something about myself from every one. There was no prince charming, but there was a boy, a boy I still love very much. There has yet to be a home, but there are various rentals. There is also two children, two beautiful girls, who are our world. This is my reality and in reality it is pretty damn amazing. 
You see there is this thing happening with social media and I tend to fall victim to it. Call it jealousy, call it what you want, but it is peoples beautiful, flawless highlight reels, and they sometimes make me feel shitty. Then I look at my life which is simple and pretty much amazing and I start picking at it. I don't show you my house because it is a rental, not exactly ours, and it doesn't look like the inside of a pottery barn catalog. I don't show myself because my hair isn't a flawless ombre, and i'm feeling a little fat today. I may post a picture of one of my daughters in a beautiful dress, but that dress didn't come easy. I had to save to get for her. Then I will turn around and I'll rag on my husband because he isn't whisking me away for a weekend without the kids, or sending me a dozen roses once a week. I become so negative, so trapped. My amazing begins to feel inadequate. It is so stupid. 
I have everything I need you guys, everything, yet I was finding ways to HATE it. 
Every rental we have lived in, does become home, because it is HOME. We live, eat, sleep, and dream here. The one we are in currently is so random but it has this view, this amazing view of the mountains that one could only dream of. I have seen more beautiful sunrises, and sunsets in just the two months we have been here than I have in my life. It is helping me look past the mauve carpet situation it has going on. Truth is we could only be here for another month or we could be here two more years. We honestly don't know, but we have made it our own. We are filling every room already with lots of memories. 

When it comes to dream jobs, I'm living mine. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. My husband wants that too and he works hard so that I can. The road hasn't been easy. When you add flight school, deployments, training, you get a lot of sacrifice, and sacrifice we have. There has been periods where we didn't know what would happen next for us. There has been so much time apart. So much. But it all led up to this. My husband now in a job that he loves, that also allows him to do the other thing he loves, fly for the guard. We don't not live a life of grandeur, or have a whole lot of worth, but we are happy, and we continue to work very hard for that.
Then there is marriage, usually the biggest victim to my unrealistic expectations. I think this is pretty common, but then again maybe it isn't. Marriage is hard you guys. Really hard. But it is worth it. I love my husband. Even when he can't read my mind, although I sometimes expect him to. For a long time I looked at marriage all wrong. I put so much on my husband--my confidence, my worth, my happiness, it was all on him, and let me tell you it set me up for a lot of miserable times. I had all these situations playing in my head for us and then when the outcome didn't turn out like I expected I felt stuck in the mud. Once again, expectations are a bitch. What I can tell you though is that together my husband and are figuring it out. We know that the foundation of our marriage--of our love is understanding, seeing, hearing, and accepting one another for who we are. As we grow as people, so does our marriage, and it is my proudest accomplishment ever. 
Then there is me. The person present on social media. I love it. I really do, and I get it. I get that we want to share our highlight reels. Why not showcase the beautiful? I love the beautiful too. I'm just not looking to you for self fulfillment anymore, I can do that myself. I vow to not find my worth in you. I'm seeing it for what it is, and no longer placing the value on it that I did, and you guys, it is so much better that way. Social media is such a small representation of life and I'm learning I like living in the present. It is messy, beautiful, and real, and most the time a picture with a witty caption doesn't do it any justice.
So yeah, I'm sorry. Really sorry I couldn't see beyond my expectations, and that I let myself become so caught up in the unrealistic ones. I get it now. I get that I have to fulfill myself. I'm never going to be at peace if I'm always expecting others to give it to me with their actions and through their words, or in this case liking my picture. It is my responsibility. I'm here now, in the moment, focused on me, and not how myself, or others, think my life should be. It has created this amazing state of happiness for me, and damn, it feels good.