I'm Not Done, Yet.

It has been happening ever so slowly the last few months, its a thought I cannot turn off in my brain. Our family is not complete. I'm not done. There is supposed to be a third baby, I don't know when, but I know he/she is going to happen, & we are officially talking about it. We aren't ready to take the leap too soon, but talking about excites me so much.
It seems crazy, right? And I've laughed with the people that tell me I should be content, that if they could do it all over again they would only have two children, because two children seems like a nice number. Everyone seems to have an opinion on it, and I get that. I know we are a very fortunate family of four and the girls are healthy, and happy. But a family of five, to us, sounds just as nice.     Not even the hard days, like yesterday, can turn the thought off.  I'm not done. We're not done. We are in the thick of it. It is complete chaos. But it is our chaos. We think we have lost our minds a few times a week, but we LOVE it. These are our years, these are my years, my child bearing years and I want to stay in this season of life a little while longer. 
I know what you are thinking. But Candace, you get PPD after having children, and thats true. I do usually get PPD, but the beautiful thing about multiple children is I can recognize it now for what it is, and I can beat it, I did with both girls. My PPD never affected my ability as a mother. It just made some days little harder than they needed to be, and by the time I had Finley I realized the beauty of getting help, and talking about it. I now know what to expect after having a child, and I will fight the beast this third time right out of the gate, not giving it a chance to rear its ugly head. When you have PPD you always wonder, will it get better? Two children in, I'm proof that yes, yes it does. 
When it comes to the actual pregnancy part, it isn't always my favorite (who likes nausea?). But I do love carrying a baby within me, and I love the powerful experience that is giving birth.  I even love the sleepless nights that follow. And these days I miss the tiny diapers, and the quiet night feeds, resulting in a milk drunk baby curled up on my chest. I miss the baby wearing, and that new baby smell. You guys, I'm ready, one more time, to give my heart to another little soul, and its a big deal.
  The girls, they are ready too. I can't imagine not giving them another sibling. In fact, Harper has started asking for one, which is hilarious because we don't bring it up in front of her. But what a gift it would be for them, especially now that they are older, to love on another little brother or sister.  I know it isn't a guarantee that we will conceive again, but I do know that I don't want to look back years from now, and regret not ever having him/her. And I know they will be the best siblings for this little future nugget, EVER. Then there is my husband, I'm not ready to be done seeing him with a baby in his arms either. He is the best dad in the entire world, and I love that we are in the same place on this. He isn't done either.
So it has started to happen. Every day the thoughts swirl in my head, third baby, third baby, third baby... I find myself googling, "life with three kids". Every day we visit the subject. We talk about the what ifs, and how if we pursue this it will change everything forever. I wonder to myself; Will I be more stressed out? Will I become less of a mother to the two I already have? Can I give them all what they need? Honestly, who knows? Children are hard. I think we all know that. But the experience of having a family is beautiful. There is always beauty in the madness.
And despite all my doubts, and fears, its there--baby fever, and I'm hoping three really is our magic number.