Monday Morning Coffee Talk

If we were to get together for coffee this morning, I'd just let it all out. There is so much on my mind and in my heart lately that it has been hard for me to sit down and write one post that makes sense.  First I would tell you that I can't believe that it is August, and that I now have a 3 year old. Gone are the long summer days that sometimes seemed endless, and in its place is a packed schedule that I am not sure I'm ready for. In the blink of an eye Harper went from playdates, to starting school this month. Our dance parties will turn into ballet classes in just a few weeks and swimming in the bath tub turned into swimming in the big pool at swim lessons, without the help of mom and dad. 
I would then tell you that I'm not ready to release my baby into an imperfect world. I'm not ready for the day she comes home crying because no one played with her & she felt alone. I'd tell you i'm scared that the world will crush her spirit, for she is pure joy. But she is ready. She can handle the imperfect, because I am imperfect. She knows about sadness and she knows how to overcome it. She knows that it is okay to feel sad, and that it is okay to cry. She is ready. She has a thirst for knowledge, and a love for people. She wants to take in the whole world. She wants to learn. So for her I'll be strong, and even stronger on the days that she isn't. I will cheer her on and drop whatever I am doing when she comes through the front door wanting to share with me all about her day. I will continue to be her cheerleader, her biggest fan. 
Then I would tell you that some days my heart is just full of sadness. I've cried a lot lately. I'm tired of the news, and all the horrible things happening all over our country. Tired of trolls on the internet. Cruel, cruel, cowards that hide behind their computer screens. I'm tired of the the deaths, the sicknesses, the i'm rights, and your wrongs. Just so tired. My heart feels it all. I'm too damn sensitive. But I want my daughters to see that. I want them to see how much one can possibly love the world even when it knocks her down. I want them to see that my tears can represent many things, not just sadness, but that they can mean strength, & joy. 
Next I would tell you that I'm having mixed emotions about turning 30 in a few weeks. I thought that i'd be more excited. 30 just seems like such a strong number. Such a good place to be. But 30 isn't that all appealing to me right now. Maybe I'm mourning the loss of my twenties. Maybe it is because I thought I'd be more "grown up". Or maybe it is because I thought that by 30 I would have accomplished more. Lately I have been stressing out over the little things, which then snowballs into big things. I go from life is amazing, to 'oh my god, I'm a failure. My 20's were such mixed bag of emotions. There were so many good times, and there were bad, bad times. Times that hurt like hell. Times I never thought I'd get over. Throughout my twenties I would look in the mirror, not necessarily a fan of the person staring back at me, emotionally, and physically. But the good always outweighed the bad, even though I may have felt the hard stuff a little bit more. Maybe turning 30 will allow me to let go of that all. I know I won't have it all figured out, which I have decided is a good thing. What would be left for me to learn, and do, if I knew it all by 30? My path hasn't been traditional by any means, but it is my path. So I guess maybe instead of mourning my twenties I should be getting excited to embrace my thirties. I should be proud of the person I'm becoming. Thirty could be my best year yet, filled with the sweetest of gifts. 
Lastly I'd tell you that I started reading again--one or two books a week. Real books. Books you hold in your hands. I love the smell of the pages. I love getting lost in them. I've been working really hard to find a hobby, or something I'm good at like knitting, or crafting, and so far this is all I've got. My favorite place to be right now is curled up in the corner of the couch with a soft fuzzy blanket and a good read, with some coffee or red wine. Maybe reading is my hobby, the thing I'm good at, and I'm okay with that.
What is on your mind and in your heart lately?