Grace In Her Heart

Is it possible to have a turning 30-life crisis? If so, I think I may be suffering from that. Or maybe I'm depressed because I'm not at Big Sky anymore. Either way, since coming down from that mountain I have been feeling all the feels. I'm not quite at ease, a little lost. Something feels like it is missing, only I cannot for the life of me figure out what that something is. I just don't know who I am anymore. I am obviously a wife, and a mother, two roles I love very much, but outside of that? I'm clueless. I'm struggling to find my self worth. 
I can't tell you what I enjoy anymore. Well other than my children. Because good god they are amazing, funny, loving, and beautiful. I can tell you I think the internet is ruining me. I can waste so much time staring at a phone telling me that I don't have enough. That I'm not skinny enough, or pretty enough.  Or that my house should be bigger, and maybe cleaner. It tells me that I'm not stylish, or that I should be spending more money on my wardrobe. It exhausts me, and I'm trying to step away from it but then I feel like I am missing out, but maybe I'm missing out on what is right in front of me because I can't put it down. It is so confusing. I'm trying to spend less time wrapped up in it, and more time content with what I am and what I have, because honestly I'm choosing to feel these things. I'm choosing to tell myself I'm not pretty enough, or thin enough. I'm choosing to dislike myself and it needs to quit, now.
Every day kind of just feels the same. I wake up eager to start the day, and tired and exhausted by its end. Some times even defeated. I can do a good job of beating myself up. Why weren't you more patient, Candace? I am lonely for friendships. Like, talking for hours over a cup of coffee friendship. It feels like no one has the time for that anymore. I feel mad because I didn't realize that becoming a mother was going to make me feel so lonely. I know this is just a "season of life" but it isn't always easy. I feel stuck between a woman who was just in college but is now grown up. I forget sometimes I have a one year old and three year old, and that I have been married now for almost 5 years. It is crazy and trying to figure it all out, even crazier. I can't believe I'm here, I know i'm an adult, and a grown up...but I still feel so small in other peoples presence. 
I can tell you that I fall in love with every free spirited person I meet. That is how I see myself. I'm a dreamer, and a lover, and there is nothing wrong with that. I want to embrace that. I want to immerse myself in nature. I want to see the world. I want to make a difference. I want to not care if I'm hip by todays standards. I want to spend less time on the internet and more time writing with a pen & paper. I want to stop making lists of dreams and things I want to do, and start crossing them off instead. I want to read all of the books, and actually hold the books, not stare at a screen. I want to eat food, real food, good for me food. Most of all I just want to be content. I want to give to the world as it continues to do so for me. 
Anymore I'm just trying to give myself grace. This too shall pass, and a new season will begin. I'm sure time will bring relief. Time will bring friendships. Time will bring knowing, & peace. Until then I'll just be here, trying to be open and accepting of life's big hurdles, as well as the little ones. I'll keep chipping away and work on loving myself, which I forget to do because I'm busy being caught up in every day living. Starting now I will open myself up to said grace, allowing it to flow effortlessly through me, allowing me to live in harmony with my reality. Life doesn't always makes sense but at least grace is accepting of that, and isn't that wonderful? I think I like you, Grace.