I'm A Big Hot Mess

There is a book I visit over, and over again whenever I feel stuck. That book is Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life. Glennon is amazing. I can't even begin to explain just how much she speaks to me. She makes me feel like it is okay to make mistakes, to be messy. My copy of this book is worn, tattered, and filled with highlights. It is a book I recommend to anyone, and everyone. That being said you should probably get yourself a copy here.
So why am I talking about this book today? Well because ever since I turned 30 I've been analyzing all the things about myself. I have been thinking about how I want to be perceived in this life. I want to be perceived as strong, smart, loving, kind, and funny. I DO NOT want to be perceived as weak, sad, unintelligent, cold, or lost. But when I look at that list I realize I have been living lately the way I do not want to be perceived. Seriously. I've gotten really good at the poor pitiful me thing, and instead of embracing this current season of life I have been letting it consume me. I can't tell you how many times I have beat myself up for being human, for being messy. I forget so often to just be. I want to stop trying to act like my life is perfect, because it is not. Yes, I have an amazing husband. But marriage? Marriage isn't easy. And yes, I have two adorable little girls, but parenting isn't easy either. This is real you guys. Happiness and joy can not exist with out some pain and heartache and today I want to share so of my mess with you.
One of my current pains is alcohol. And this is really hard for me to write about, but this is a space where I want to let it all out. I don't know at what point it became so significant in my life. I do not think I am an alcoholic by any means, but I don't like that it seems to be so important to me. I do not like that it changes my personality if I have had too many drinks. I do not like that sometimes I feel like I have to have multiple drinks to keep up. I don't like bars, but I hate that I feel like I'm missing out if I'm not there with my friends. And I don't like how much I HATE myself the day after for having too much fun the night before. It is such a vicious cycle. One that I don't want part of my life anymore. It really is so dumb and honestly I hadn't realized until lately how much it affects things. I'm 30, and the Candace that has one too many drinks is not someone that I want my daughters to know. They deserve better, my husband deserves better, and more importantly I deserve better. It doesn't need to be such a huge part of my life. 
Life is hard you guys, and we are all a little screwed up and the sooner you can admit that, the better things get. Messy is good. So so good. I'm learning that I can accept my flaws these days and I feel closer to happiness than I ever have. Happiness that is not fueled by things like alcohol, and shopping. I'm letting go of the image of me that I thought everyone would like, you know, the perfect I thought I should be. In its place is a flawed, messy Candace, and she's pretty great. 
I leave you with these wise words from Pema Chodron. 
“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” 
Embrace your mess my friends and start living. I know I am.