Sometimes I...

I found myself typing sometimes I feel I'm failing as a mother into google today. This happens at least once a week. It happens at the times I feel defeated as a mother. It happens when I have spent all day chasing my almost 18 month old around and I'm exhausted. Or when she has crammed all of her refrigerator magnets into the dishwasher as I'm trying to load and unload it. It happens when I lose my temper with her and the immediate guilt that follows because that just happened. Sometimes it happens on the day when I realize I have spent a little too much time surfing the web when I should be reading to her. Or days when I haven't showered and stayed in my pajamas all day. It happens on the days that I realize she has had the same breakfast 3 days in a row. I can beat myself up over anything.

Failing. What a harsh word. I'm not failing. What I'm realizing is I'm not perfect. I'm just a person trying to raise a happy human while trying to still grow herself. When I constantly guilt myself I fail to realize what is right in front of me. It is Harper. And Harper has a roof over her head, food in her belly, and sleeps happily every night in her bed. The same Harper who scrunchy face smiles at me all day long. The same Harper that daily hugs me and gives me kisses. The same Harper that laughs with me all day long. Some days I'm not perfect and some days she isn't but that doesn't mean I'm failing her or not doing enough.

I am not failing. What I'm doing is big. Being a parent is a huge thing and I'm so happy to be at home with her a majority of it. She will remember that. She will remember these days. I have managed to raise a toddler who loves her home. Who feels safe. And daily she knows I love her and that she is loved. This is something I find to be huge. When I reflect back to growing up that is what I always take with me. There wasn't a day I didn't feel loved. Even on the days I know I hurt or disappointed my parents. Love is so powerful.

So maybe Harper tried to cram a banana into the Playstation this morning. Maybe I'm still wearing what I wore to bed last night. And maybe just maybe I'm drinking a Cherry Pepsi and eating some Hi Chews. Tomorrow will probably be a better day. I'll shower and put on normal clothes. We might even eat some carrots or heck even leave the house. But no matter how the day goes I will remember i'm not a failure. I'm doing the best I can. I am human. I am not perfect. I will stop beating myself up. I am mother and though some days I feel like I fail, my love for my child and family never does. With that in mind I am the best I can be to my children.

Tomorrow I embrace this mess that every day life is. I will count my blessings instead of my failures. I will celebrate little victories and most of all remember that I am never, ever alone in any of this.