Before He Goes

A friend of mine asked me for some words of wisdom about being a military wife the other day. This made me realize I'm not sure I have the right words. Especially right now as we are preparing to go through a deployment. But I do have a lot of feelings. Being a milspouse is a sort of love / hate thing for me and it is something I struggle to put into words.

I can tell you this, I admire my husband. He loves us enough to be a part from us in order to support us. I don't know how he does it. I love watching him fly. I think he is a total babe in uniform and that he is an amazing solider. That is where my love for being a milspouse comes in. I love it because I love him. I love his passions, and I fully support his dreams. Right now those dreams include being a Blackhawk Pilot and it is a dream he worked hard to achieve, and I couldn't be more proud.

However, because of these dreams we have to live with the reality that they could equal time apart. And it has, including weeks and months of training, and now an upcoming deployment. So perhaps that is where my hate comes in. But hate may be a strong word. I don't hate being a milspouse, I'm just human and I hate being away from him. And what I hate the most about this deployment is he will have to be away from our girls who will grow and change so much in the time he is gone. I mean, Norah will be walking and talking the next time he sees her. It just makes my heart hurt. There will be all these moments he will miss, and within them us missing him being there.

The time before deployment is the worst. You talk about the hard stuff. The stuff you don't want to ever imagine happening. You try to not cry, to stay present in every day. You find yourself holding on to every moment when all you can think about is how shortly you'll be doing this all alone. You try to not get angry about the situation because that's not the way to send your spouse off, but sometimes it is easier to be angry than to act like everything is okay. You have to protect you too. You try to not let him catch you tear up when you over hear your five year old telling him as she hands him a picture she drew to "take it, so you don't forget me". It is one huge emotional roller coaster and nothing can take away from the fact that he is leaving soon. And when it come to the girls, thank god they are resilient. The hardest thing for me to swallow about this deployment will be the same thing to get me through it-- them.

And we will get through it. With the help of family, friends, holidays, and all our activities, we will pass the time. There will be some hard days in there too. But I often find strength in the those moments and wake up thankful for a new day. I will find strength for him, so that he hopefully doesn't have to worry too much while he is away. More importantly I will find strength for me because I can do this. I may question being a mother all the time but I think I'm pretty great at it. Part of the beauty of being a parent is that we question ourselves all the time, as we should. Otherwise how do we grow and learn? And I plan on doing just that over the next year. I think over the next year I will discover even more about myself and my capabilities as a mother, wife, and person.


But right now? Right now everything feels raw. I find myself counting and the numbers make me sad. I keep picturing myself at the bottom of a huge mountain and I can see I have a huge climb ahead of me. I can't stop thinking of good bye. When we are laying in bed at night all I can think about is how shortly he won't be there and I like him there. He feels safe. I just don't know what to do with my current anxiety and the unknown other than write about it. That is all I've got right now because I'm pretty sure he packed my heart in one of his bags to go with him and I just want to cry.