Shook.

Yesterday I experienced my first earth quake. A 5.8 on the Richter scale originating from a town too close to home. It was felt by places up to 500 miles away. It is honestly something I never want to experience again. Talk about feeling not in control. Our house was shaking and there was nothing we could do about it. As soon as we realized what was happening my husband jumped out of bed to check on the big girls who didn't even wake up from it. The baby didn't either ,she happily snoozed through it her crib. But for me? It was the longest 30 seconds of my life. I still am shook up about it. It took me hours to fall back asleep as I lay in bed in shock. I was shaking like a leaf and sweating. It was awful.  In that moment all I wanted was to bring the girls in our room and snuggle all of them. In that moment I realized I have so much I care for. So much that I could lose. I know a 5.8 earthquake isn't huge in comparison to others but last night it felt huge to me. And yes,  I may be being a tad dramatic but sometimes we get so consumed with every day we forget how lucky we are. How good we really have it.

I tend to be an anxious person. It is probably my least favorite thing about myself. I'm always looking to the future, to what is next. I worry. I struggle to stay in the moment. Especially these last few days. The Earthquake was just the cherry on top. So many things have been on my mind and in my heart lately. I've been crying a lot. There is the mother I follow on social media who recently lost her child. The extreme heartbreak I feel for her is unreal. My heart just hurts all day. I continue to read all of her words. The strength she is showing is incredible. If I was her I would just want to run away and hide. But she isn't. I so badly want to write to her. To tell her she is amazing and that we are all hurting for her but I can't quite find the right words. She is experiencing my worst nightmare. Which has me shook.

Then there is the dreaded deployment. It is just there hanging over my head. I have deemed this summer the cruel summer because it keeps reminding me of what I have and what I'll be missing this fall. I know, I married someone in the army. It is part of the deal. But that does not make it any easier. My favorite person won't come home every day. The person who calms me, who is my rock, will not be there in person. Our daughters will continue to grow and he won't get to see it. Their deep belly giggles when they are playing have become a constant reminder of that. It is one of the most beautiful sounds, by the way. It is a horrible feeling though to think about him leaving. I know once it is time I'll toughen up. It will be a new normal and we will get through it. But the months leading up to it suck. They are the hardest. You try to be present in every moment but all you can think about is how there are only a few moments like this left for an entire year. Shook.

Last night however, there wasn't an earthquake. Despite my fear that another one could occur. The sun came up. The birds chirped. I woke up ok. I know I'll still have a few bad days, just like there are aftershocks following an earthquake. But I'm realizing if I channel all my worry into something other than myself and my fears I can find joy. If the earthquake taught me one things its that I'm not in control of the universe anyways. That is a relief in itself. The less time I spend dwelling on my fears means more time being present and presence is everything. That is what having a positive, meaningful, life is all about. It is going to take some work but I'm going to keep trying to worry less and be less anxious. I'm going to let go and trust in the process. I'm going to trust in myself and hopefully I'll be able to embrace every day better and be a little less shook up.