Jumbled Pregnancy Thoughts

Its early and the house is quiet. I'm snuggled up under the fuzziest of blankets, sipping coffee by the glow of our Christmas tree. It is one of my favorite parts of the day. You know, when I feel like I have my crap together. I've really grown to love it, to reflect in it.

Lately, our third child has been on my mind. In just the last few days I've started to feel him/her kicking. Like, big, noticeable movements. I cannot begin to tell you how much my mama heart has needed it. I needed to feel him/her kicking, I needed to know that they were in there. This pregnancy continues to be a blur. It is just part of the chaos that is every day. I almost forget about it some days but now I feel you. And its not just me. Your daddy can feel you too. Just 19 weeks and you are making your presence known to us. We cannot wait to meet you and find out whether you are a boy or girl. Less than two weeks!

It blows my mind that another little person will be entering our lives in a few months. That life as we know it, will once again change. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, because I think that is normal. Maybe scared isn't even the right word, maybe I'm thinking of prepared? Are we really prepared for this? I mean we are just getting the hang of having a two, & a four year old. But baby 3 will be joining our circus, and life really is just that.

Then there is me. I'm not worried about loving a third child. That I know I will be great at. I've got enough love to go around. But three kids in, where will I find time for me? Will I lose myself even more? This is something I find myself struggling with already 2 kids in. How will I define myself outside of mother hood? When will I find the time to take care of myself, of my body? I'm already not good at it. I put my husband & the girls first, and then the house and all the things it entails. At the end of the day there isn't much left to give to me. I so badly want to get a grasp of this before our third comes along. I can immerse myself so deeply in motherhood and forget to come up for air. But I need it. I so badly need it. I need it in the form of a good book, a cup of coffee, and a glass of wine with friends. I need it in the form of meditation, and sitting in silence.  I need it so badly to feel human, to feel like me.    So I'm working on it now. Everything is one day at a time. I'm not defined by motherhood, although motherhood is currently the biggest part of me. When we started talking about having children we wanted it this way anyways. We wanted to have them close together while we were "younger" and here we are in the thick of it about to start a final chapter. The one of our last baby. It seems crazy. But we are ready and so excited. Excited for the hot mess that is about to be our family of FIVE and also excited to see what our lives are like in the post itty bitty baby era. For now I'm really down with the mom thing, but I think some big things may be ahead for me post baby too. You know, the other dreams of mine that didn't include being a mother. I'm getting closer to those every day.