Thirty One

  I turn thirty one today. Thirty one. Doesn't that number seem huge? I'm pretty sure thirty was supposed to be my "best year yet", only it wasn't. So maybe thirty one will be it. There are some big things ahead for thirty one. Things I'll talk about later. Some very beautiful things, and some very hard things. But I can't help but be excited.   My thirties so far have brought me a lot of struggles. Good and bad. I feel like I have spent a good chunk of it mourning my youth. You know, too old to shop in the youth department, yet not quite sure I belong in the women's sort of thing. Seriously. Where do you shop in your thirties? I've spent a lot of time letting go of the old Candace. The one who loved the night life, being out, and being social. In her place is a Candace who prefers, you know, sleep. I guess that is one good thing to have come out of my thirties. I don't feel like I'm missing out anymore. 
Thirty was one of my hardest parenting years yet. Babies? Psssh. Not hard compared to two and four year old kids. Now that my daughters are walking, and talking on their own I question myself all. the. time. Like, did they get their behaviors from me? Oh, they are acting out? Well I'm home with them all the time, clearly my fault. There have been some really rough, lock yourself in the bathroom with a glass of wine days because I just can't take one more minute of parenting. Usually followed by instant forgiveness an hour later because I love them so damn much. Parenting year thirty-- SO MANY FEELS.

In my thirties I realized where my happiness lies. It isn't in things. It is in our simple, mostly mundane, every day life. It is the fact that we have a roof over our heads, cars to drive, and food in our fridge. I spent a lot of year thirty have agonizing over all the things I thought we should have in our life at this time but don't. The things I think we should have to bring us happiness, but those are just that-- things. Everyone's journey is different, and I love ours. And just when I forget and get lost in the comparing game I look at Harper & Finley who are seriously the happiest girls I know, and know that we have everything we need. They are evidence of that. They feel SAFE & LOVED, and those are the two of the best things you can give someone.
Year thirty brought on a lot of body struggles. I'm still working on it. I tried (and failed) at being a Beachbody coach. I'm totally fine with that. It wasn't me. But it has been a hard pill for me to swallow sometimes. My body in my thirties, after two kids, is so different than it ever was. Goodbye normal boobs, hello soft pouch where I carried my babies. Even at my SKINNIEST those two things still exist and I just need to accept that this is my body now. It is never easy, but I strive each day to get better about acceptance. To be proud. To be thankful to have a body that can do what mine has done. It may not look as good as it used to, and I may have to dress it differently, but I'm still me, that hasn't gone away. I'm still beautiful. Just as I am. And that is what I want my daughters to see. A mother who loves herself, not one that is constantly obsessing over her body. 
So yeah, year thirty was a little rougher than I wanted to be. I was kind of hoping to have this give zero effs attitude but that was a lot harder than I thought. So I'm going to aim for that year thirty one. Reading back through this though I see now that year thirty grew me & I like that. Turning thirty one is a pleasure, especially when I look back at all I have accomplished. That is what I like about the thirties. There is this sense of peace that comes with it. I'm more than ready to put my twenties behind me. I mean seriously, look where I am at thirty one years of age? I'm living my dream. I have a husband I love and adore, and we have two amazing children. This is just the beginning of good things to come.

Thirty one, lets do this. Happy Birthday, to me!