Filling The Void

I spent my mothers day crying. True story. It wasn't because it wasn't special, because it was. It was a beautiful day. It wasn't really about me though, our family gathered in Bozeman this weekend to celebrate the graduation of my brother in law from engineering school. So it was really great. We spent the weekend reminiscing, playing, swimming, eating, drinking, and celebrating. The girls were in heaven. I was too, watching them. They are so lucky, and so loved. Things kind of became full circle for me this weekend as I watched them with Great Grandparents, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, & Cousins. Not only are they the biggest blessing in my life, but they are a huge bright spot in so many others. It was a wonderful weekend, and not the reason I cried.
Prior to the weekend I spent a few days back in Billings. I got my hair done. Saw some of my best friends, and was reminded of what we left behind. Being a grown up is so hard sometimes. You have to make choices you may not want to, but that are best for you. That happened to us this year when we made the move back to Helena. I don't talk a lot about it, because its painful. I spent the last year in Billings trying to act like we had our crap together, trying to be perfect, and on the inside I was so sad. So so sad. We were in such a hard scary place when my husband was presented the job here in Helena, and I'm glad he took it. It was what was best for us. It continues to be wonderful too, for him. We have stability. We are better off than we have been in a long time, the future looks bright for him, and he is so happy. But that doesn't mean it doesn't come without some pain. Billings was home. It was familiar. I had happy places. I had friends. My week was predictable and I loved it. I was in love with my child's school. I filled our weeks with story times, and play dates. We had friends and we were close to our families. It was just so nice. It was home and I wish we didn't have to leave it.
We've been in Helena five months now. A place that does not feel like home, at least yet. I said back in a previous post I have a few friends, and I do. They are helping, but they can't fill the void there currently is in my heart for the other things. I can't pretend anymore. My days are all the same here, and I can tell I'm sad. Everyone tells me it will get better. I hope they are right. I want to love it here. I want to be sad when I leave for a weekend, and happy to come back, not the other way around. I want to feel at ease and like I know my way around. I want to feel like part of the community. I want my daughters to see a mother who is happy. Not one who is sad, lost, and overwhelmed. I know that is the place I am in right now. I feel so lost and somewhere between driving from the hotel to the park in Bozeman I couldn't take it anymore. I cried. I cried because it doesn't seem fair. I cried while I thought to myself, maybe this was all my fault. Like, maybe I should have done something different and we could have stayed in Billings. Maybe it is because I chose to be a SAHM. Or maybe it is because I didn't finish my degree. So many what if's filled my head and I cried because I feel like maybe I'm doing this all wrong. Maybe it is my choices that led us to this. I just continued to beat myself up the entire day. Things just don't feel right and I hate it, and I don't know what to do to make it better. 
You see, I consider myself a spiritual person, and I hold tight to whats meant to be, and the ol' everything happens for a reason, but if i'm being totally honest that shit sucks sometimes. Reality does indeed bite. But I can't sit around and feel sorry for myself forever. This is our home now, and I need to make it that. I just wish it didn't feel so damn painful. I wish that on a day where I should have been proud of my accomplishments, and proud of being a mother, and where I was at in my life, I wouldn't have been sad, and hurting. I don't want my heart to feel like this anymore. I'm praying that this too shall pass, & I hope to god its soon.