No Need to Sparkle

I've been thinking a lot about anxiety and depression today. About my experiences with it. I've been wondering why, when I have been so strong lately, it had to come back? Why I had to go to the place where I don't feel confidant. Where I don't feel strong. I know my entire life I have struggled with depression but there wasn't always anxiety. That didn't come until after having my children. That fear that something could happen to me and I would miss out on them took over my life after giving birth and some days still, it rears its ugly head. Those days are my least favorite. You see I love my daughters so very much but when I'm anxious and depressed it is like I'm not present. I'm going through the motions but so very badly I want to lay in bed and cry. Cry because I'm not my best self. Cry because I'm not the mother I aspire to be for them. I begin catastrophsizing, the what ifs fill my mind. It is exhausting, really. But it goes away in good time, and for every bad day like that there are 100 more good days.  
It is hard not to get angry at depression. I hate that it took having kids to realize that I have a life worth fighting for. That I am worth fighting for. So lately I'm working really hard to get myself back. You know, that good old self love we all strive to find. You'd think it wouldn't be such a hard journey but it really is. Maybe it is my inner feminist but I don't think society is kind to women. When we allow a panel of men on fox news to decide whether or not women should wear leggings we are not promoting self love. When we are constantly shoving the best diet, the best exercise, and the best wrap down each others throats, we are not promoting self love. When I get dressed for the day in hopes my husband will tell me I look nice, or someone on the street will tell me I have cute shoes, that is not self love. 

Self love however is getting dressed in whatever I feel like, whether society has deemed it cool or not and walking out the door and knowing I look beautiful because I'm happy. Self love is taking care of yourself, and being healthy, the way you see fit. Self love is the confidence that shines when you love every wrinkle, every freckle, hell, even every roll, because the confidence that comes from that is more beautiful than the super model the world tells us to aspire to be.  Self love is accepting you for you.

 Some days I still get lost in this fog. This fantasy of being someone else that I think people might like more, rather than accepting myself just as I am. Self love is what helps me fight. It is what gets me out of my lowest of lows. It helps me realize I am more than just a mother, a wife, a sister, and a daughter. Self love for me is revealing, not improving. It is self love that motivates me, pushing me forward to happiness. It is self love that reminds me that there is a place for me, for my hopes, and my dreams. And lately I'm doing really good. Like, really good. I don't need someone to tell me I matter, because I know I do. I'm on this journey to discovering my authentic self and it is awesome. I'm here and I'm vulnerable, and sometimes a little uncomfortable. But I'm me, and I'm happy with me and I cannot tell you how GOOD that feels.

No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.'-- Virginia Woolf