Keeping It Real

I don't know about you but the notes function on my iPhone becomes a catch all for all of my random thoughts. I have been going through some things lately. My thoughts may stray a more on the negative side. But I think it is because I'm growing and growing can be hard. 

These are the things that have been on my mind and in my heart lately.

Body Image:

He told me I'm beautiful, but I don't feel beautiful. I feel fat. In fact I weighed myself yesterday and I'm 20 pounds heavier than I used to be. You probably wouldn't notice it if you saw me, or maybe if you really knew me you would. Where a flatter stomach used to be is now loose skin from carrying two children. Loose skin that doesn't want to look good in anything low waisted, or tight. There are also stretch marks, reminders of two births that are streaked all over my belly like a road map. Today I am frustrated. But lucky for me he can only see beauty. 

Some days I can look in the mirror and I feel beautiful. I don't see it though. I feel it, if that makes sense? I feel beautiful because of all I have accomplished in life. I feel beautiful because I'm a wife, and a mother and those things are felt, not seen. But other days I look in that same mirror and I see teeth that aren't white enough, and I see the bags under my eyes. I belittle myself in front of the same mirror that most days makes me feel beautiful. 

Home:

I often over look our home because it is an apartment. I often take it for granted. I don't talk about our apartment to my friends because my friends have houses, and even though they don't make me feel less than, I make myself feel that way. But our apartment? Right now, it works for us. We work hard for it. It is small but fits our family perfectly. It is littered with baby toys, evidence of the two little girls that fill us with joy on a daily basis. It has a gallery wall that rivals many on pinterest. Our daughters are about to share a room and it is a room that little girls dream of. Our apartment is memories. Memories of a return to Billings. It is the place we first brought Finley home to. It is the place where Harper became a big sister. A place that holds our ups and downs. A place that most days is filled with giggles, dance parties, and silly songs. These are the things that a home is all about. The memories and the feelings they convey. Some day we are going to have a house, that I know. That day will come when we are ready. And right now? I could not ask for more. 

Self Worth:

I spend so much time trying to keep up and be like everyone else that I fail to recognize the person that is me. The real me. I think that if I just had that shirt, or those shoes, I'd be happier, as if things can create those feelings. I'm learning that in the moment treating yourself can only bring you temporarily happiness, but that fades. I'm learning that self worth comes from other things. It comes from spending time with my husband, family, and friends who would hang out with me even if I wore a paper bag and dyed my hair green. It comes from playing outside with my children, blowing bubbles, and coloring with side walk chalk. It comes from getting lost in a good book with a good glass of wine. It has nothing to do with the latest fashions. Self worth is about doing what feels right, for me.

Whether it be my body, my home, or my self worth, life has a plan for me and my family. Amazing things are coming for us. We are always a work in progress. Things could happen next month, or in the next few years. The thing is, I know they are coming. All I can do is be content with right now, in this very moment, and continue to grow. 

This is me, just keeping it real.