Postpartum Anxiety Saved Me

This morning I'm a little nervous. I have MOPS. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but it has been 3 weeks since the last meeting, and 3 weeks since I had that anxiety attack leading me to the ER. I'm in a better place now, a much, much better place, but that doesn't take away the fact that I'm still a little embarrassed that everything went down there. I want to go back, and I know I should go back but this morning I'm nervous about it. Of all the places to have a postpartum anxiety attack a room full of Mothers is a good place. But it still stings a little bit. Three weeks ago was such a dark time for me. Like an open wound that is finally healing. I know going back to MOPS today will probably feel good, it is just getting there. I know today I will walk through those doors to open arms, and to kindness. I know if I didn't go today there would be sadness, maybe even disappointment that I didn't feel welcome enough to return. So this morning I'll get pretty, grab my coffee, and I'll go back, because I'm strong, and because I'm beating postpartum anxiety.

This morning I can't believe how much life can change in just 3 short weeks. I needed help. That is the truth. I needed the fact that I was struggling with postpartum anxiety to be out there otherwise I never would have overcome it. Three weeks later I have done just that. I still worry, don't get me wrong, I am a mom after all but it isn't incessant like it was. Gone now are the racing thoughts, sense of dread, lack of sleep, irritation, anger, and fear of something harming my children. Gone is the stress. The horrible stress that consumed me from all of the above feelings. You see, you can't always control the way your brain reacts to hard times, and that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. To me it means you are human.

Three weeks later I'm in this beautiful place. A place where I see color again, where I really, truly hear my children's laughter, which is the most beautiful sound by the way, and a place where I laugh. I soak up every day now good or bad. I can handle them now. I'm happy and most importantly I'm hopeful. I also sleep. Well you know when the baby lets me. But I actually sleep good when I get to.

Today I'll walk into MOPS and I'll own this. I hope they ask me how I'm doing and that they want to hear my story. I'm happy to share it. I'm a different person than I was 3 weeks ago. Or I guess I should say i'm finally me again, more aware of myself as a woman and as a mother. I know now that i'm not a bad mom. In fact I know now i'm a better mom for overcoming this. I'm a damn good mom.

Thank you postpartum anxiety for showing me that I am strong, and that I can over come hard stuff. Thank you for opening my eyes back up. For showing me that life actually is sparkles, unicorns, and rainbows.

Three weeks later I'm so happy to be in this place.