If I'm Being Honest

Being a mom is hard. But it isn't the raising the baby part that gets me. You see for me it is how intense my emotions have become since being pregnant. I don't even really know how to explain this but I'm going to try. You see I'm good at the mom part. I can tell when Harper is hungry, needs changed, is tired, or gassy. That part I get. Harper is a really easy baby. In fact I'm starting to think she might not be normal. Yes she has good and bad days but most of the time I have a great grasp on what she wants or needs. And there hasn't been a night in over a month that Jason and I haven't gotten at least 7 or 8 hours  of sleep. Like I said I'm good at the mom stuff.

What I'm not good at is the fear I feel. The fact that every time I leave the house with my baby I'm afraid she will get hurt or will get sick. The fear that I'm not doing enough as a mother. The fear that she isn't developing as she should. The fear that she doesn't know who I am. The fear that I'm not making the right decisions for her. Seems silly really but those fears are always in the back of mind.

I'm also not good the best at taking care of me anymore. I know that it has only been 3 months but when I look in the mirror some days I see this woman who gave birth and should be proud only to be followed with feelings of insecurity. I see a body that isn't the same anymore. A body that doesn't fit into it clothes like it should. Maybe down the road it will but it is hard. I just jumped back in to working out and it isn't as easy as it used to be. I find I struggle with finding time to make my body a priority like it should be. Instead of eating healthy I'm grabbing a handful of goldfish crackers and washing them down with a diet coke. Instead of working out I take those free moments and clean my house, prepare dinner, or take a nap.

I also struggle with my identity. You see when I had a baby I became a mom. But I still feel young. Not that being a mom makes you automatically old. I just struggle at where I fit in. It is like I'm floating between two worlds. Who I used to be and who I am now.

I'm not trying to make having a baby seem negative. Because it is not. I wouldn't change a thing in my life. Not one. It is just a huge change. And when I was pregnant I don't think anyone could have prepared me for how emotional and hormonal I would be. But I have come to realize that having a baby has a huge impact on your life and it is okay to feel this way. I want to document every aspect of becoming a new mom and I think these feelings of insecurity are part of it.  I also know that I won't always neglect myself or struggle with who I am. Right now these feelings are just heavy on my heart as I try to embrace my new role. What can I say? I'm learning. And as for those bad days? Well I'm pretty sure that is why bath times and red wine were invented.