It's All A Little Bittersweet

I walked out of my doctors appointment with a stack of appointment cards yesterday. Scheduled were two more bi weekly appointments and then weekly appointments up until Norah's due date. Evidence that she indeed coming and that the pregnancy I have felt is taking forever was indeed flying by. It was such a bittersweet feeling. I was asked that if I were to have a C-Section, would I after three children want my tubes tied? To which I responded no, without hesitation. I may not be the most glamorous pregnant person but I can't say that I'm done. That we are done with our family. There is no doubt that Norah will complete us yet again in a way we didn't know was possible, but maybe, just maybe down the road there is a chance we will be lucky enough to have one more. If that is indeed what we want. I just couldn't at that point, in that very moment say lets do it, I'm done.

Bittersweet. Is that not truly one of the best words to define the last few weeks of pregnancy? Ending are the incredible moments I experience with Norah inside of me. Soon that private connection will be gone and she will no longer be safe inside of me but on the outside needing fed, rocked, held, and her diaper changed. She will need so much of me on the outside like, my hands, my arms to feel safe as she once did inside of me. For months it has just been me and her. We've bonded so much and I can only hope that same beautiful bond continues when she is outside of me. It is an intense bond that I know will change as she enters the world and slowly begins to need me differently. A new beginning, one that is good, so so good, but also sad in its own little way.

These next few weeks are busy but I will no doubt be taking some peace and quiet to reflect on her upcoming birth. The bond of just her & I will soon become open to all. It will be shared with her sisters who are so eagerly awaiting her birth. It will be shared with family, & close friends. And it will be shared with her father, which is always my favorite.

So as we all await her arrival I hope to find contentment in these final weeks. To take them slowly, and to appreciate the moments themselves, even if they are painful. Seriously, my bottom half of my body feels like it may separate from the top. But I know in less than two months Norah will be here and I will have forgotten the pain. I will probably not be sleeping as much but I will be sleeping better when I do get to. I won't be peeing every 20 minutes and I will have my body back. It will all feel so sweet as we become busy with not just two children but three.

This morning however, as I sit here sipping my coffee, it feels a little more bitter. Weeks from now I won't feel her growing inside of me. I won't be able to glance down at my tummy and watch her wriggle around and wonder what she looks like, and daydream of what she'll be like. I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed by it all, by the miracle that is giving birth to a child. I'm holding on to the end of yet another pregnancy and desperately longing to love her outside of me. Once again I'm closing a chapter, and starting a new one and it is just so bittersweet.

See you soon sweet girl. This mommy can't wait.