Searching For Sunshine

  I feel as though this winter has been the longest one I have ever experienced. There has been non stop snow piling up outside our house with no where to go. It has been so cold I can feel it in my bones before I even leave the house. It has taken a lot of effort for me to even find the beauty in it these days. Oh, its snowing again? Great. Add being just about 29 weeks pregnant to that mix and you've got one hot mess mama.    So here we are. There is too much snow. We don't leave the house as often as we like. If we do we do so in 18 layers of clothes, and play for about 5 minutes. It has caused my depression to flare up. It has been so hard on me. Especially these last few weeks. The hardest part about my depression is how unkind I am to myself. When I get to this place I can't enjoy things. I parent, I do my mom thing, but I do it with frustration. Or I constantly have it in my head that I'm not doing enough, or that I'm not enough period. I am short tempered. Easily overwhelmed. I cry. I am just not myself.    I know what I need to do when I get to this point. It is time to talk. Talking is one of the many things that helps me fight it. I need to talk about my feelings. I need those I love to know I'm hurting and I'm in that place and I also know need to talk to my doctor because I am probably going to need her help to get through this too.

As we near the birth of our third child I guess I'm not surprised. It is no secret. I have talked about it numerous times on the blog before, but I suffer from not only depression itself, but postpartum depression. I did with both girls. So the fact that we are just about 10 weeks out from the birth of our third and I'm already feeling these things is a sign. I need to start taking care of myself. I'm not ashamed. I know how to beat this. I just hate that I'm that person who has to endure it. I so badly want to be able to beat these feelings by taking a walk, reading a book, or soaking in a long bubble bath. Those things help, yes, but they are not the cure all unfortunately.  For me I need just a little more and I'll get it. I will beat this again. 
With every pregnancy, and every battle with PPD I have learned so much about myself as a person, and as a mother. For example, when it comes to nursing, with Harper I failed. She lost so much weight, and I had no idea what I was doing, I was eventually told I had low supply and she was formula fed. But it killed me. There is so much unkindness out there when it comes to nursing. Breast is best they say, but I couldn't do that. So I told myself I was less. Then came Finley. I was able to give her breast milk, but had to supplement, I had low supply, again. I spent the first 5 months of my pregnancy nursing her all that I could, then turning around and attaching myself to a pump, and then doing it all again. Oh, and I still had to supplement. But this time I was kinder to myself. I was not less. I was a mother just doing my best. With Norah I plan on nursing again. I will probably have supply issues again. It seems to be a trend. Only this time I am not going to spend the first year of my child's life attached to a pump. I'm going to supplement when needed and I'm going to enjoy my baby who most certainly will be wonderful bottle OR breast. 
As for the PPD I get it now. I really do. When I had Harper and experienced it along with anxiety I stayed scared. I didn't talk about it. I let it consume me and I lived in fear until she was about 6 months. After breaking down in my mothers office during church I realized that something wasn't right. Then I got the help I needed. Eventually around Harper's first birthday I was able to stop taking my anti depressant. With Finley it came out of nowhere about a month in and after a really hard week I went to the doctor and got back on the same anti depressant. It was wonderful to not be scared to leave my house, and this time I beat my PPD faster. I was able to stop taking my anti depressant when she was around 9 months old. With Norah, I'm not sure what to expect. Maybe I won't have PPD or anxiety. But if you look at my track record, its there, I probably will. It is already in my care plan to start taking my anti depressant right away. I'm not going to miss out on her. I'm not going to take the chance. I'm refuse to spend the first months of her life in the dark.    Every time I speak about depression, I worry a little. What will people think of me? Will they think less? But I need to talk about it. My depression battles don't take away from the way I love and treat others, it honestly just affects the way I love and treat myself, and I can become very unkind to me. But it is part of me and like I've said before I'm not ashamed of it. It needs to be talked about. I can beat it, and so can you. 
Two days ago as I laid in bed I heard a familiar sound on our rooftop. It was the sound of rain drops hitting it. As I laid there listening I couldn't help but smile. Rain. Not snow, rain. It was such a beautiful sound. To me it mean that sunshine is around the corner. That hopefully soon I won't have to go searching for it. In that moment I could picture our green grass, and my bare feet, my toes probably painted hot pink. I could feel the sunshine on my face, and the side walk chalk in my hands. It is coming. I may need a little help to beat these winter blues and that's okay. Sunshine is just around the corner.