Honey, I'm Home

I stopped looking at houses on the internet. I just realized that today. For months, and months, and months, I'd pour myself a cup of coffee and browse the latest listings, looking for a home for us. It consumed me daily as I tried to imagine what the next few years would look like in that house, with that yard. I needed a house to feel home in Helena, and I'm happy to report that we are currently, like, 97.6% moved into that home, and it feels good. I can feel myself relaxing. It has created in me a certain peace I haven't had in quite some time. One, of knowing I belong.

Helena in the past 6 months of being here has really shaped me. And in the best way possible. I was beginning to get exhausted with myself and my constant need to compete with the masses. I was never able to fully relax. I wasn't present. I was stuck between dwelling in our past, and trying to control our future, until I had the moment. The moment I realized, holy crap, I am content, and I love where we are at. It happened on a recent trip back to Billings to visit family and friends. It was fun, of course, but it was then and there when I realized Billings wasn't my place. My future wasn't there. It never was. Billings is awesome, and I am fortunate I get to visit there, but Helena, Helena is home. And saying that makes my heart so happy.

When we first moved here I hit some of the lowest lows I have ever had. There was a lot of crying. I couldn't believe we were moved, once again. I spent a lot of time curled up in a ball angry and lost those first few weeks. But then I snapped out of it. I started beach body, and failed at it haha (but that is a story for another day). I won't ever take it back because it helped me find confidence I didn't know I had. I started taking care of myself more, and worrying less about what I looked like on the outside, which allowed me to become more at peace with how I feel on the inside. Some days its still a struggle but I could spend my whole life obsessing over the perfect body I'll never have, or embrace the soft one I do. Its the one my kids hold on to, and the one my husband thinks is beautiful, so it must be pretty great.

It was in these last few months that I let go of my need to be somebody, because holy crap I am somebody. I don't know what status I was searching for, but like my body, that was becoming something I could obsesses over too. I should be doing more...I don't do enough...I'm just a mom. Which by the way we need to stop saying. I'm a mom. There. Phew. Feels good. Outside of being a mom though? I'm just me. And I used to want to hide her, because I wanted you to like me, but that in itself is exhausting.

Me is pretty great. I am simple, I like to listen to music, and it is usually awful pop songs. I read self help books, and young adult novels. I like Real Housewives, and wish my husband would watch it with me. I could talk politics with you, but I'd rather talk about celebrities. Leave Taylor Swift alone, okay? Haha. I probably shop too much, own too many lipsticks, and one too many pairs of shoes. I like Diet Coke and will probably never stop drinking it. So don't even bring it up. Oh, and I cry. Like all the time. When I'm mad, when I'm sad, when I'm happy, when I'm watching commercials...its pretty great. I am pretty great, and if you don't think me worthy enough, then by all means you don't have to be my friend. And that status I was so worried about? Gone. I was worried my daughters wouldn't grow up proud of their mom because my resume wasn't one that will impress the masses, but I'm not worried about that anymore. I'm a damn good mom and not a day goes by where they don't feel loved, or safe, or taken care of. And that my friends is something worth aspiring to be, along with any other big dreams they will have for themselves one day.

I am just now realizing this post is pointless but I obviously needed to write it. I just wanted you to know if you are following along with me that I'm good. I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm whole. Sometimes it takes something big happening in your life to really rediscover yourself, and for me, moving did that. I like where I am at, and the place I am in. And I'm really starting to give zero f's about everything else, and that is just how I like it.

I'm home.