Why is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. Like, why do I care? I feel this strange need to identify as young, and hip. Now, I know what you are thinking, thirty isn't old. But thirty, is thirty and it is definitely not twenty. If i'm being honest, my twenties were exhausting. Twenty was a mess of feelings. A whole lot of not knowing who I am and what I wanted to be. Twenty was too many late nights, and some questionable behaviors. Twenty was a lot of searching for myself, and for Mr. Right.
Twenty was confusing, and I just couldn't wait to get older.
Turning thirty this past September was going to be it for me, it was going to be my turning point. The point at which I stopped caring. Not caring didn't mean all of a sudden I was going to let myself go, it just meant I wasn't going to be held to some ridiculous standard set by todays media. It meant I was going to just love my life, and myself, right where I'm at, for all that it is.
Well, that didn't really happen. These last six months have been confusing as hell for me. I have questioned everything from my parenting, to my weight. It has been roller coaster and a few weeks ago I finally crashed, and I cried. I cried because that is how I cope. I sat on the couch and told my husband I was too fat. I told him I wasn't a good mom. I told him that I don't know why he is with me, that he deserved better, that the girls deserved better. It was an awful pity party for one that day. But I needed it, because the next morning I woke up, and felt anew. Since then its been amazing.
"I wish you could see yourself the way I do, the way others do..." I hold on to those words my husband said to me when I was basically telling him I suck. So every day I wake up, and I sit in silence for as long as I can before my three year old wanders into my room to start our day. I spend that time reflecting on the good, or praying for understanding for the hard stuff. I'm getting it now and I don't think I could have understood had I not broken down, and gotten all my fears and worries about myself off of my chest.
I no longer want to strive for something I'm not. I don't want my twenty year old body because i'm thirty. I don't need my skin to look twenty either, or my clothes. You see I kind of like thirty. I feel free. I feel like I don't have to try so hard. Thirty has been simple for me. It has been a season of less, and that feels good. I feel prettier walking out of my house with just mascara, and some powder, than I did with a full face of makeup ten years ago. I may not have the body I used to but ten years later I'm actually healthier. I eat so much cleaner. I put only the best things in my body (well, most of the time, because, wine). I excersise, not to get skinnier, but because that is what you do. You take care of your body & I really want my daughters to see that. Somedays I run 3 miles and others I go for a walk, but I'm doing something, and that is what matters. I do not need to impress the masses anymore for I already have a life full of people that love me and I guarantee you that they don't love me for my body, or my looks.
In these past few weeks I have decided I'm done. I don't know why I put in so much effort trying to show the world that I'm skinny, or pretty, or wonderful. I've decided to just love me, love the moment I am in, and continue to grow. You see, with aging comes growth and I don't know why we are constantly trying to fight that. I hate the pressures social media has put upon us, making us think we are supposed to be a certain way. I played into this, and it exhausted me. I could spend the rest of my life falling short had I continued down that path, and that is not what I was made for. So I'm done.
I'm thirty, and I'm just going to get better and better by my standards, not some set forth for me.
My entire life I have loved and admired so many women, and it was never because they didn't appear to age, or they were amazingly fit. I didn't see that in them. What I saw in the women I admired was that in moments I needed them most they were there. I admired them for their wisdom, and for their confidence that didn't come from their looks. I admired them because they were happy, and content just as they were. I admired them because they were strong and they stood up for themselves, and weren't afraid to speak out against things that were wrong. I admired them because they weren't afraid to cry in front of me, or talk to me about the hard shit. I admired them because they put me in my place. Those. Those are the things I find beautiful, and that is exactly what I want for myself.
Those are the qualities I got in a mother, and I have the most amazing mother. Those qualities are the ones I want to instill in my daughters. Not a mother who is weight, and imaged obsessed. We as women are SO MUCH MORE. I look forward to showing my daughters I am a strong woman, and to teaching them to be comfortable with themselves, and to never apologize for the way that they feel.
From now on my joy is going to come from just being. I'm just going to show up and take everything one day at a time. It feels good. Gone is holding on to all the things I am not, and what is left is just me, and I think she's pretty great.
Free yourselves, friends. It feels so good.
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