All These Things, and More

I have been thinking a lot about my daughters lately, and things they may or may not be learning for me and its hard. It is hard for me to think that I can affect two little people so very much and I'm not always sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. For example, I say sorry too much. I apologize for everything. I'm sorry I like this book, or this show, or this quote, or that I indulged in this, or that I drank that soda-- you know, things I should never have to say I'm sorry for. I never, ever, ever want them to apologize for anything that isn't worth apologizing for. I want them to hold strong to their beliefs-- to themselves. 
I want them to know beauty, real beauty. I hate that somedays I am strong and feel beautiful, and other days I cry because my body is different, or I'm getting older. I hate it because I want them to see my beauty. The beauty that is my laughter. The beauty in my laugh lines on my face, the laugh lines that have only increased since they came into my life, because I can't stop smiling at them. The beauty in my hugs and kisses. The beauty in my tears. I want them to see the beauty that is embracing aging. I want them to see that I'm okay with it, because really I am. Growing older only means I am living life, and creating memories. Growing older means gaining wisdom, and I want them to see that, that, is indeed beautiful.

I want them to be more confidant than I am about being a woman. I am an extravert and I thrive on people, but I can also be very, very insecure. I think sometimes that is the curse of being a woman. I don't quite know how to explain it but so much of my life has involved me backing down from things, not speaking up, or putting up with certain things because I am one. I want them to be different than that. I want them to fully embrace the strength that is being a woman. I want them to know that they can be anything, a mother, a doctor, a lawyer, a minister, a writer, a gypsy, even the President. I want them to know they always, ALWAYS, have a voice and that they are capable of anything even though the world says otherwise. I want them to know they are more than their looks, their hair, their outfit, or their bodies. 
I'm a spiritual person and I want them to believe. To believe in good. To believe in something bigger than them. To be kind. To help others. To speak out when they know things are wrong, and to stand up for the things that are right. I want them to know the quote "everything happens for a reason" is bullshit. I want them to know that everyone hurts and suffers, and that it is normal. Perfection isn't real, and sometimes you might hurt for a long time. I want them to know that I will be right there with them, not to necessarily say its going to get better, but to say "I'm sorry things suck for you right now".  I want them to know empathy and to know how to be in the moment with someone who may be struggling. There is good in being spiritual--there is help there.
I hope my daughters continue to look up to me, and think i'm awesome when they grow up, just as they do now. I hope when they tell people about me, that the above things are the things they share. They are the qualities in me that aren't always strong, but are so, very, real. They are the things that make me human.
 Lastly, I hope they always know that I love them, I'm always here for them, and I'm not going anywhere.